“Red squirrels in the morning, red squirrels in the evening!” Noel Douglas wheezed as he walked back home from the bar under the street lamps. He was swaying left and right, and was hardly paying attention to anything, having just downed twelve bottles of beer. His wife had just left him, and he was horribly depressed.
“Red squirrels in the morning, I’m coming to take you home!” he yodelled, taking a swig from the half-empty bottle of Carlsberg in his hand. He straddled the pavement dangerously and got a few honks from passing vehicles. He took a few more steps, and soon he was outside his home.
There was a flash and two yellow persons appeared in front of him.
“GAH!” he shouted and threw his bottle at them. It missed, landing on the pavement and shattering into pieces.
Noel cowered. The two persons were not human. They had a distinctly alien appearance, with two huge black eyes, yellow skin, and four arms. One of them was reedy and thin, the other was well-muscled and at least a head taller.
“Are you real?” Noel groped with his hand at the yellow people. His fingers hit the small alien and the bigger one pushed his hand away. “Kumpad!” the big one exclaimed.
The smaller one spoke up. “Kumput bunkitum paligumbadoo?”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying,” Noel stammered.
“Kumput bunkitum paligumbadoo?” the alien repeated.
“Do you speak English?” Noel asked as he regained some composure.
The bigger one made what sounded like a cough and tapped the smaller one’s shoulder. “Ingleesh weperten.”
The smaller one’s expression of confusion dissolved. He took out a small device, turned some knobs, attached it over his mouth like a face-mask, and began to speak. Decipherable English words intoned by a robotic voice poured out of the mask’s speakers.
“I apologise. I forgot your people do not speak Universal. I am Esteemed Jaymatron Trammy. You can address me as Esteemed Jay. My companion, Forceful Wertron Knasper, is my guard and consort. You need not address her, since I will be in charge of all diplomatic matters here. My original question, or request, was: Could you please show us to your President?”
“Wha?” Noel was stunned. In his mind he was overcome by the clichedness of the entire situation. Aliens from outer space land in some random person’s garden and say to him,’Take me to your Leader!’ Total absurdity staring at him in the face. Didn’t he watch this episode of Futurama recently?
“Are you aliens? From outer space?”
Jay coughed. “We are not from outer space; we are here, on behalf of President Amoba of Threa of Universe Designation 512 to discuss if the president of Earth would be willing to let us move his planet to make way for an interdimensional canal through this universe, designation 624.”
A few of the simpler words registered in Noel’s alcohol-addled head. “Move our planet? Where? Why? How?” he blurted.
“Just to the left or to the right. Maybe join the orbit of Mars or Mercury. We need Earth’s position in the 5th dimension to be clear so we can construct a canal through this universe from Threa in 512 to Sevun in 465, with whom we have been conducting interdimensional trading relations for years. We’ve been going the long way for a while now, jumping through 213, 908, 425 and 671 to bring goods back and forth. But this canal would make trade much, much, easier for both our peoples.” Jay twiddled his four thumbs.
“Go ahead!” Noel cried. “Move the Earth! If it makes you happy.”
“You are the president?” Jay asked.
Noel decided to play a trick on the two yellow people. “Yes, I am the president!” he declared.
Jay looked apprehensive. “You are?”
“Yes, yes I am!” Jay waved his hand impatiently. “I agree to your terms.”
Jay took out a piece of shimmering paper. “Earth President, I would like you to sign here.” He pointed at a small oval at the bottom of the paper. “Just place your finger on this oval.”
Noel laughed inside. ‘They think I’m the president!’ he thought gleefully as he placed his index finger on the oval. When he took it away, his fingerprint was etched on the paper.
Jay fingered the edge of the contract and pulled apart two copies, handing one over to Noel. “Here’s your copy of the contract. Thank you, Earth President. Our tugboats will begin shifting straight away. Which way would you prefer, closer to or further from the Sun?”
“Maybe closer? It’s cold around these parts.” Noel coughed out some phlegm and spat it on the ground. Now do as the President of Earth says, and scram!”
The two yellow aliens looked at each other. “As you say, Earth President,” Jay shrugged and the two walked away from Noel.
Wertron spoke to Jay in Universal, “Do you think he knew we were pirates?”
Jay took off the translator mask and replied,”I think we put up a fine performance. He didn’t see through our ruse, despite his immense confidence. Thank Sseddog. The magnetic tugboats are parked on their moon; I’ll tell them they can start pulling Earth nearer to their sun.” He fiddled with a few buttons on the gauntlet he wore on his left lower arm.
They vanished in a flash of blinding light, and Noel covered his eyes. “AAAAHH!” he screamed.
Noel’s neighbour opened his window and shouted at him. “Noel! Why are you shouting and shining lights everywhere! It’s dead early in the morning!”
“Go to hell!” he heckled his neighbour.
He slowly walked down the garden path to his door. Behind him, sunlight broke through the houses on the other side of the street, and the sun came into view.
“Sun looks huge! Hello Sun!” he waved the contract at the Sun, and felt its rays warm his skin.
“Sun, it rises!” he sang as he walked into his house.